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The Joke Thread.

General non-specific Norfolk Broads Forum posts.
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

The School Phoned Me Today And Said, "Your Son's Has Been Lying
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

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In a recent school science class the teacher had decided to show the students the effects of alcohol.

Four test tubes were selected and a worm was placed in each test tube.

1st worm in beer
2nd worm in wine
3rd worm in whisky
4th worm in mineral water

The next day the students observed the following:

1st worm in beer, dead
2nd worm in wine, dead
3rd worm in whisky, dead
4th worm in mineral water, alive and healthy

The teacher asks the class, "what do we learn from this experiment?"

Student: "Whoever drinks beer, wine and whisky, does not have worms."


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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Miles
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by Miles »

Crude this may well be...but probably true.
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Never Complain, Never Explain...
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

saw this somewhere else, but it was removed, but a quick search on youtube and here it is,,

I don't know how he keeps a straight face. :lol:


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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Miles
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by Miles »

Sounds a lovely place to retire.


Never Complain, Never Explain...
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.



It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."



The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50



The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.



The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.



The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.



The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.



The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.



The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.



The first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.



The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.



The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.



The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.



The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."



The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."



The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I f****d up."


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

Men's Helpline

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Joined: November 6th, 2021, 4:43 pm

Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

A little old grey-haired lady went into the bank one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the manager of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the manager's office (after all, the customer is always right).

The bank manager then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The bank manager was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The bank manager then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the manager, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the manager, I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident bank manager.

That night, the manager got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the bank manager's office. She introduced the lawyer to the bank manager and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the manager's balls are square!"

The manager agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The manager did.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, okay," said the manager, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The bank manager asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the bank manager's balls in my hand."


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

191481-b1fd6609b328001af65eb606ef6dd9d7.jpg
191481-b1fd6609b328001af65eb606ef6dd9d7.jpg (6.86 KiB) Viewed 852 times


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

One day a man is driving a truckload of penguins to the zoo. About a mile away his truck breaks down. He gets out and pokes his head under the hood. While looking, a stranger walks up and asks him, "Hey buddy, is there anything I can help you with?"
"Um, yeah. Matter of fact you can. I'll give you $100 if you take these penguins to the zoo for me."
The stranger agrees, they unload the penguins and he walks off with the line of penguins waddling behind him.
A few hours go by and the truck driver is still under the hood of his truck when he looks up and sees to his surprise the stranger walking back down the road toward him with the penguins still following. He reaches the truck and the driver, bewildered, asks him, "Hey buddy, I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo?"
The man replies, "I did. We had such a great time, now we're going to the movies!"


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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