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The Joke Thread.

General non-specific Norfolk Broads Forum posts.
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini and taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?" she replied.

"We are priests and proud of it; but I have to know how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me…………….Sister Margaret.”


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

Somehow I lost my girlfriend at the airport. While looking for her i bumped into another guy who had done the same thing.

I asked him, "What does your girlfriend look like?"

He said, "She's 26 years old, five foot ten, slim, blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs and she's wearing a tight leather dress and thigh high boots. How about yours?"

I said, "f**k it, lets just look for yours."


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

Apparently, it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so here goes!:


An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says, 'Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.'


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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Miles
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by Miles »

Interesting....
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Never Complain, Never Explain...
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

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cyclistp-e-n-i-s.jpg


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

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193680-922da20d7ca16f355039b3e9c07ebc65.jpg
193680-922da20d7ca16f355039b3e9c07ebc65.jpg (13.25 KiB) Viewed 957 times


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.
He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building, right on the street.

As he opens the door to get out of his Bentley, so new that he is still finding plastic stickers inside, a passing car speeds by, smashes into the door, and rips it right off. That driver never slows down, and speeds away.

The lawyer is beyond furious. He calls the police and demands they come that second so they can find and arrest this heinous person who ruined his new Bentley in a criminal hit and run.

The officer arrives very quickly. He goes up to the lawyer, who is still in his car yelling and screaming at someone on the phone. The officer says a horrified, "oh my god."

The lawyer hears him, drops his call, and says, "I know! The door is ripped clean off! The whole car is ruined! Even if they fix it, it will never be the same!"

Then the officer frowns at the lawyer and starts to shake his head.

The lawyer starts going on and on about how much money he just lost, how expensive the Bentley was, how tragic and how evil the driver of the other car had to be.

The cop finally interrupts, "you lawyers. You are all the same."

Suddenly, the lawyer's anger turns to the cop. What? How dare you! Can't you see that this beautiful machine is destroyed? You are a protector of the city! You should be out arresting this criminal, not insulting me sitting here! This reckless menace cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars! This was a brand new Bentley!

The cop interrupts again, "I get it. You've been talking about your car. It was expensive, you lost a lot of money. But in this whole time, you never realized that he also tore your whole left arm off."

The lawyer is stunned into silence. He looks down at where his arm should be. Horror and pain cross his face.

"MY ROLEX!!!"


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the superstores.
Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local superstore:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
paramedics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it,
as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side..
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew:
'feckers won't let me f^rt.'


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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CATFISH
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Post by CATFISH »

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In university I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.

She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction-less.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl with big tits.


"Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."
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